Please don’t read any further if you’ve popped over here for a bit of cheery light hearted reading… it probably won’t turn out that way!
I want to share this for my own sanity, I think about it everyday without fail and I think talking about it, saying it out loud might help me and maybe some of you too.
I’m not massively sure where to start, but I’ll just throw it out there: I am longing with all my heart to conceive and it’s not happening.
So, I said it. It’s very personal and I’ve deleted and rewritten this a few times out of fear. But what is there to be afraid of?
November marks a year of “not, not trying”, calling it that seems much less threatening, and part of me thought it would have happened long before now. Yes, I am aware that just 10 months “clean” after 13 years of medicinal contraception is absolutely nothing, but I can’t help the way I feel.
I am soon to be 33 and very happily married to my second husband, we are *coughs* active in that way too and both know the timing is right.
Every month when my boobs are sore and twice the size and my body teases me by throwing my cycle out one or two days, I feel elated, hopeful and so happy and then totally bloody shattered when (like today) I get my bastard period that I don’t f*cking want. They don’t call it ‘the curse’ for nothing!
I want to be f*cking pregnant. But this is the trouble, I want to too much, I want it more than a spin around Badminton or possibly the end to world hunger… and that’s totally f*cking selfish too!
But, wanting something like this has never been in my nature and I guess that’s what your body clock does to you as you hit a certain age! Here’s the thing, I’m not drinking at all through the week and barely at weekends, I’m also not smoking aside from a couple on a show day either… I’m eating better, exercising regularly and trying to do everything “right”, it’s my attitude that stinks.
I watch my ovulation like a swarm of killer wasps heading for my backside. It’s all in order, it’s just not happening.
This is no ‘poor me’ speech, far from it. I just need it to stop being so taboo in my mind, to make it ok to talk about, and not feel ashamed of my longing or feeling guilty for being so mentally preoccupied.
I’m sure there are people that will read this who have been ‘not, not trying’ for much longer or can’t have their own babies and all I have learnt so far is, I can quite imagine how you feel. You are amazing though, in your own right, with or without a baby. You are wonderful and don’t ever forget it. Don’t lose hope, please don’t. You never know what life will bring, you never know what is around the corner. Don’t plan too far ahead, live for now and be the happiest you can every single day.
That’s all I have for now, thank you for being there.
Love as always
Vic xxx
