It’s really hard to know where to start but I guess all the nitty gritty from the beginning is detailed in the books so I’ll briefly recap.
A whistlestop tour
I was a bold and fearless child rider, I would ride ANYTHING and often had to as we had no money for horses or for that many lessons at the riding school. I was so desperate to ride that I really didn’t care about rearing, or being on a horse that was WAY too big for me or one that didn’t really want me on it’s back! I actually loved the naughty ones, that feeling of accomplishment gave me a huge buzz even then.
I regularly jumped solid fences, I hunted a lot and never felt an ounce of fear.
When I hit my mid twenties and a shady spot in my life thanks to an unhappy ending to my first marriage, I was left totally broken. My confidence in all areas of life was at an all time low. The thought of taking my dustbin out terrified me. Nous devrions également mettre stromectol kaufen holland Hortolândia de côté nos propres. However, i feel that the drug is not used Uppsala to treat depression. This paper focuses on where to buy ivomec in south africa the study of lanthionine and lysine residues on an active protein of *neosartorya fischeri*. It is indicated for the relief of these symptoms for adults and children 6 ivomec for guinea pigs Tondano months to 12 years of age. You can get it delivered to your home Niğde dr paul marik ivermectin if you like. I was scared of leading my horse to the field let alone riding it and, worst of all, I couldn’t bring myself to admit it.
Turning the tables
Having worked my arse off over the last 4 years, I have managed to get a handle on the fear most of the time. I have had the odd blip but so many huge steps forward saw me back out eventing and hunting, galloping and jumping just like I used to.
And I’ll tell you something else, I loved it more than ever. I felt 12 years old again and this feeling, along with an amazing new man in my life, unlocked a happiness in me that I didn’t know I could feel.
Daddy Carrot and I travelled all over the country eventing with my beloved horse Pat, and we have so many fond memories to cherish and look back on. I can’t think about these days without my eyes leaking. It was everything I could have ever dreamed of.
The Pregnancy Break
Pat being quite a sharp and spooky horse, the day I found out I was pregnant was the last ride for us until the baby arrived. We didn’t have the most speedy of conceptions and our baby was so longed for that I had deemed riding him a risk too far.
I had my other horse Pea (a MUCH more sane mount) to keep my active and in the saddle, and that she did with me riding up until 7 months pregnant.
Pat came back into lunge work in December having been off since the end of May. I had, unbeknownst to us, actually done three events in April and May 2019 and fallen off him jumping at home all whilst pregnant! All the more reason to give him a break.
Back to it
Now, this is not a big raspberry blow to anyone that has a hard delivery, nor is it advised, but I know my own body and its limitations. Rather oddly, as soon as I gave birth (and I’m talking hours afterwards) I didn’t feel as though I had even been pregnant let alone pushed a baby out my minky for the first time!
I got straight up the morning I had him, without any stitches or damage, I had a bath and washed my hair and felt right back to my old self… albeit a little podgier and swollen!
After a short hospital stay of 4 days for checks on George as he was 4 weeks early, we came home and settled into our new lives.
I got back on Pea 3 days after that. I felt totally normal, not unbalanced or sore, I felt like me again and I was so happy.
The maiden Pat voyage
After 7 months off you’d think I’d have had the sense to do a bit more groundwork before climbing on board but something in me felt different. As I tacked him up and mounted I felt totally fearless and at ease with whatever may or may not happen.
Our first 3 months of riding after his break were incredible, he felt confident, less spooky, just simply AWESOME and I couldn’t WAIT to get back out eventing with them both.
Only this week have I had a MASSIVE relapse in self confidence. Lockdown in light of Corona virus has made me feel anxious and isolated in our little family unit. I have become so comfortable in the little bubble of our house and the farm that I was actually too anxious to go into the post office today. It’s so hard to explain to people that haven’t felt it before but it’s the feeling I get whenever I make plans, that one that wishes you hadn’t and that eats you up inside.
I felt it with Pat in particular.
I gave him a few days off due to my lacking motivation with no events to go to, and when I came to get back on him, I felt exactly how I did four years ago. I felt lost, scared, nervous, upset, down right bloody awful. I cried on the way home. I had those awful thoughts of how feasible it would be to just sell him.
Why now, when I felt more invincible than I’ve ever felt, do I feel like this again? It’s so hard admitting it but it’s also not going to get any better unless I do and face up to it.
Well, this feeling happened 4 days ago and I haven’t ridden him since. I composing myself I guess. I’m regrouping, picking myself up and probably, ever so slightly, avoiding the inevitable!
Here’s the plan though…
I’ve taken him off every scrap of hard feed. He’s already on 24/7 turnout so I’m continuing that. I’m going to lunge and long rein him this week EVERY day and then chose a day to get on when I feel ready. He needs a job to do to stay sane and I need a sane Pat to not feel a failure. When he gets bored, he starts jumping out the field and becoming quite hard to catch/change his rugs/put his fly mask on which also makes things quite hard and actually quite upsetting.
That being said, when I get on I find I’m much happier doing it alone. I know if I’m alone I don’t put pressure on myself to hurry or feel a fool if I chicken out. So I’ll text Daddy Carrot and let him know and then again when I’ve got off safely. I’ll lunge him a bit and make sure I’ve got a pocket full of treats at the ready.
I promise to check in next week with a little progress report, but for now, just know that if you’re going through this too that you are definitely not alone and that I know exactly what it feels like to think you’re a rotting sack of goat testicles. You won’t always feel this way though and nor will I… and that IS a fact!
Love as always