Here I am, FINALLY pregnant, something I’ve wanted more than anything else in the entire world SEE THIS POST FOR MORE ABOUT THAT.
The bitter truth of it is, I came off the contraceptive injection and 18 months later, we still hadn’t conceived. I was torturing myself every single month reading into signs and symptoms, convincing myself I was pregnant only to piss on ANOTHER test stick and agonisingly wait for the negative result.
It was February 2019 and I sat in the warm up of a show jumping class when a lovely (now good friend) lady came up and said hello. I burst into tears on her having got my period that morning and as I explained why I was crying, it dawned on me; this can’t go on. I had virtually stopped drinking, I had stopped smoking and I was peeing on ovulation sticks more times than was necessary…. I was controlling the dates on two different apps on my phone and over thinking every last detail of how my husband ‘finished the job’ on those planned days.
The biggest mistake at this point was how little I had confided in him, or anyone for that matter, the extent of my mental state. There were very few people that really knew how bad I had got at obsessing over conception and I felt VERY alone.
It was at that point, I went home and decided. I decided that it didn’t matter – I decided that I would focus on getting my horse to Badminton grassroots, I decided to get a better job, I decided to change everything and refocus my attention on a happy marriage without a baby and for the first time in years I felt slightly free of this huge fat weight. I got p*ssed EVERY Friday and Saturday, I started social smoking again and I laughed more than I had in months! I was back to feeling like myself and I was genuinely happy. I got the new job, I had (have) a great marriage, I enjoyed life so much and that’s when it happened.
THE day that changed my life
I woke up early having had the most bizarre, vivid dream that our friends and closest neighbours, Dan and Sharon, were pregnant! I messaged instantly: ‘I just had a dream that you were pregnant!!’ – She replies ‘I was going to wait to tell you, but I found out 3 days ago… I AM!!’ I can, hand on heart tell you that I was over the moon for them. They had been trying a couple of months and there was not a single stab of envy ran through my blood that morning.
Gary and I sat in bed with a cup of tea, happy for our friends… but there he was, that small elephant in the room was dipping it’s b@stard trunk in my cup again! I told him straight (Gary, not the elephant) I told him how much I wanted a baby, he questioned when my last period was and I actually couldn’t remember – without torturing myself, I made a mental note to do a secret test that day.
It was 10.35am on 17th May 2019 – I took the test, I wee’d in a pot and dipped the stick in – a technique I had mastered over the last 12 months! Leaving the stick on the cistern, I hung the washing out so I wasn’t sitting, waiting and misreading the result!
IT CAN’T BE….
I picked up the test and did a double take. It was a Clear Blue basic test, the same ones I’d used previously, only this time there were two blue lines forming a plus in the circle – I was shaking from head to toe, uncontrollable, tears filling my eyes, I blinked them away and looked again. It can’t be… It just can’t.
I was shaking so much I sat on the floor of our bathroom and sobbed harder than I have ever sobbed in my entire life. Relief, utter elation, excitement, relief… again… It was relief I felt most of all. Relief that I wasn’t failing, relieved of the issues I had created in my head, relieved that I could finally give my husband something I knew he really wanted. And then happiness (even the word doesn’t seem enough). I’ve never felt anything like it before.
I called Sharon – she couldn’t really understand what I was saying through the sobs, but finally I managed to get it out – happiness just burst down the phone lines from both ends and then my sister (who’s birthday it was that day). She calmed me down, we cried and I messaged Gary to come home as a matter of urgency and turned my phone to silent. I didn’t want to tell him on the phone.
What the actual…
I didn’t have much time, he was on his way home, 20 minutes max. I tidied myself up, covered up my red tearful eyes and sellotaped the positive test to the window of our back door for his arrival!
I set my phone camera to record and hid upstairs – This is not a video I will be sharing, but I can assure you It’s the most special moment we have ever had together and one I will hold dear and special for the rest of my days.
The happiness bursting out of every ounce of us both was like nothing I have ever felt. We called our parents and told them together and that was that!
The REALITY of conception
Turns out, I fell pregnant on Wednesday 10th April.
I competed at Norton Disney BE on the 6th and I got my period that night. I was bleeding for my usual 3 days and conceived on Gary’s Birthday – Wednesday 10th. NOT the time of the month that I thought I had been ovulating for the last 18 months!!
I had spent months planning my days around the wrong time of the month – I had no idea you could conceive this close to your period – they don’t tell you that in menstrual cycles 101!
Also turns out Dan and Sharon conceived on the 11th! So it was likely Gary’s birthday BBQ was to blame and they now have a due day of Thursday 9th Jan where we have the Wednesday 8th – both Sharon and I had cycles pretty much in sync!
The things I’ve learnt
- That, no matter how many people that tell you to ‘stop worrying, it’ll happen’ or ‘just stop trying’ – you will ALWAYS want to poke them in the eye with a stick covered in their own sh*t. They mean well, but it’s like a red rag to a hormonal bull! I know this. And you will chill out, in time, YOUR OWN TIME.
- That ANYTHING is possible. Planning isn’t always the best thing to do. It pays being a bit sporadic with the days. I’m no expert but it’s certainly worth a go!
- Smoking and drinking actually aided our conception! I’m not condoning it AT ALL, but I am saying that being yourself and being happy is as important as healthy. And sometimes giving yourself a bloody break is what you need most when times are hard.
- That getting pregnant is not a right, it’s a privilege and one I will NEVER take for granted. (Although, this does not mean that you have to enjoy it — more to come on this!)
- Don’t bottle it all up. I did for a long time and I found myself upset and alone quite a few times when I could have had the comfort of a friend or my husband. A cuddle or a chat with a friend is sometimes enough to help you see the bigger picture.
Most importantly, with or without a baby in your tummy, snoozing in a cot or in heaven, you are a remarkable human. One that is capable of happiness and one that is special in so many ways. Make sure you realise how special you are and don’t ever let anyone convince you otherwise.
For now that’s all I have time for, but there will be a post coming soon about my reality of each trimester (3 month stage) of pregnancy and how it hasn’t been at all what I thought it would!
Please feel free to get in touch, if I can provide any comfort to anyone, I will.
Love as always