Some days I just cannot seem to work out how to push through. Some days I want to throw the towel in. Some days I wish I didn’t feel like this.
I want to feel confident and self assured, I want to be kind and in return, be loved by people, I want to make a happy life with happy memories.
Sometimes, I feel like I am totally failing at life, that I can’t get out of this spiral of feeling like I’ve done something wrong. I wish I was confident and to be honest, some days, I pray for arrogance. That self belief that some people ooze in bucket fulls. Some days, I want that.
On occasions I can feel very capable as a rider, very good at imparting wisdom and confidence onto others even though I feel lacking in it myself. I enjoy seeing other people do well and helping them along their journey to being amazing. I just wish I could be kinder to myself.
I regularly berate my riding, my position and get frustrated at not understanding how to do basic lateral work.
I often feel the need to replace what I lack in confidence with naivety and this makes people I meet assume that I am inexperienced. I have managed some of the UK’s best equestrian facilities, worked with some amazing people and I bloody well know what I’m doing, I’m just not brave enough to tell you I do. I don’t want you to feel like I’m bragging and I would hate for you to feel inferior to me so I make out I’m useless when actually I’m the opposite. I know this is totally stupid, I know.
The world is full of complex characters and breaking yourself down to rebuild the blocks is sometimes the only way to see sense of it all.
I want to be self assured and I want to excel but I also want to be liked and I’m not sure if those things meet anywhere in the middle.
I think the only solution is the be the kind of person you would want to be best friends with. Someone that is kind, that loves life and that laughs at themselves often. One that isn’t afraid to stand up for themselves and others but equally, one that knows when to keep quiet.
Look at this, re-read it – how we analyse ourselves says a lot about who we are. I am going to start learning to love that person and not constantly wishing I could be different or better. Accept and love yourself for who you are, love your fat rolls, your small boobs, your slightly crooked teeth and fuzzy hair…
Today I am learning to love me, for the compassionate and complex person that I am. I am unique and so are you, why would you ever want to be somebody different?
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